This past Sunday, My hubby and I went down to the Life International office, which was formally the abortion clinic, where I aborted my very own daughter many years ago.
I went there anxious not knowing what to expect, or how I would handle my return. I couldn't help being nervous about memories that might come rushing back....along with shame and guilt and self torment......
As I walked in, I realized very quickly that the entire presence and atmosphere of that building had changed--but more importantly, I have changed.
Years ago it was dark and gloomy--now there is light and peace and warmth.
As I walked down the hall, I remembered the thoughts of the unbelief in my heart of what I was about to do. I remembered the darkness that lay within my soul, and the heaviness that filled my heart so long ago.
This time, through the PURE protection of God, all those feelings didn't over take me and make me feel that same. It was hard and many memories surfaced, but those feelings didn't make me feel horrible in my heart .
I then walked to the prayer room...which was amazingly beautiful. THis was the same place I cried uncontrollable about the horrible decision I just had made. This was my first moment of realizing that I could NEVER take back what I just had done. The first place I decided I hated myself for what I had just done, and so did God. The first place I thought I was going to Hell, and nothing could ever redeem me.
But yet, this time, there was a peace within me...no sorrow, no hate....only His Love enveloping those of us who have made such a destructive decision and took our babies lives.
Even the bathroom had memories of changing out of my "gown" and into my regular clothes as blood dripped down my legs. Yet, God still continued to shield me with compassion and protection.....Then came the procedure room. I left it for last on purpose....not knowing what to expect. I walked in and remembered first the window to the left. It was the only place I could look during the entire procedure, because if I looked anywhere else, I had to watch the blood being sucked into the tubes of the suction machine. That is by far, the most difficult memory I have. Between the "noise" of the machine and the blood that filled the tubes and jars, and the horrible cramping that coincided with it all...... that is the memories that hurts the worst, and still remains as real as though it happened yesterday. That room is the realness of what choice I made that day. But that window...that was my "safe place"....it was my "numbing spot"...where I tried to tune the world out. It is where I told myself, "Just hang on, it will be over in a minute and you never have to think about it again. I can forget about it all and move on with my life...." It was the window, that I could out at and not look down at Dr. Gordon and not hate him, or at the nurse who was unemotional herself. The window is something I have never forgotten, because it was my ONLY "escape" that day of my surroundings.
Now, walking into that room, I still stood by the bed and told my Kassandra how much I loved and missed her and how sorry I was.I reminded her, and myself that I will see her in Heaven one day. That mommy doesn't hate herself anymore for the choice I made, but that doesn't mean that I don't regret the choice I made. That I wished she could be here with her little brother and sister, Landyn and Ezeraya. But she is up in Heaven with God, and she is so safe in His Arms! I missed her so much in that moment...yet with Love as a mother should, not with guilt and shame.
Thanks to Surrendering the Secret and God's healing love, I have finally laid guilt and shame at the Cross.
God truly has healed me from my abortion and has showed me so much Grace, that words can not describe what He has done in my heart over the past few years.
I left there feeling "finished".
I don't have to go back to the person I used to be, that I am new in Christ and I am His daughter NO MATTER what my past choices are. That I am complete in Him! And I am Loved by Him!
The last thing my hubby said to me as he hugged me, was "do you want to go home and hug our kids now?" You know what???...that is exactly what I wanted to do! It was such a true inner-peace of the Holy Spirit, that I didn't feel like I didn't "deserve" to have my kids, that I was not worthy of my two precious ones here on earth, because of my past abortion. I had finally overcome the feeling/thought of thinking, "I am not allowed to be a mommy".
It felt free and victorious!!!
Only God can save us in that pure, precious and Graceful way. The Blood of Christ cannot be disturbed or taken away by anything the enemy tries to destroy, kill, or take from us!
God Bless each of you and THANK YOU for your ministry in the pro-life Kingdom!?
Denise Kooiker
Grand Rapids, Mi
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